A Response to The Lila Rose Show: The Truth About Housewives

The Polish Madonna

Lila Rose came out with a podcast last week about housewives. Naturally I had to take a listen. I'm passionate about this topic and with the enticing title, "The Truth About Housewives" I knew I was in for a treat.

Although there was a lot of truth to the history of housewives and modern society, I think Lila tried to create a solution where one already existed, and she based her ideas solely off her own desire for a career.

Let's begin with what she got right. I want to give credit where it's due. The most important point Lila made, is that parents have a primary responsibility for the moral education of their children. She says that a woman's job shouldn't take away from that moral education of the child, and daycare is so harmful for children that it should be avoided at all costs. She said mothers should be with their children for the majority of their (the children's) waking hours which is good advice. 

 

Next, she goes through the "Two Income Trap" which is Elizabeth Warren's idea that when families have two incomes, they end up spending most of it on things like childcare, which makes the extra income practically irrelevant. From this, Lila concludes that women should have financial skills and learn to be frugal and save money to avoid this trap.

Those were the main points of advice that we agree on. Honestly, there is a lot of common ground in the first half of the podcast. The problem is, I don't think Lila actually understands what a housewife is or does. It's almost like she equates being a housewife with being a "tradwife," the trend that young women are taking up on the internet. 

For example, not even one minute into the podcast, Lila says that with our current economy, some families need two incomes. I'm no expert in this area, but I know a lot of traditional, Catholic, homeschooling families. All of whom, live on one income. It doesn't matter if they are a new family with young children, or a more established family with eight or ten children, they all find a way to make it work. If anyone was going to need a second income, wouldn't it be the families with more than five kids? I believe that this claim that people NEED two incomes, stems from our overindulgent, influencer-run society. 

Think about a lot of the "wants" that most people pay for on a normal basis: drive-thru coffee, manicures and pedicures, entertainment subscriptions like Netflix and Hulu, music subscriptions, new clothes and shoes, the latest water bottle trend, eating out (even the casual restaurants are expensive these days), alcoholic drinks out, processed snacks and treats from the grocery store, fun experiences like bowling or the theater, college football tickets, etc.

I don't think we realize how much these extra things add up. I also think that unless you're in or know one of these big families that decides to give up these luxuries, you won't even think it's possible. But they do it. And they still have multiple cars, wearable clothes, they can pay for their kids to play sports or other activities, and make sure their kids eat three good quality meals a day. No second income needed. Some people even claim that debt is better than sacrificing the mother at home.

Circling back to Lila's advice about how wives should have financial skills and be good at saving money, I think what she misses is that frugality is part of being a good housewife, living on one income. She is arguably more beneficial to the family, than the wife who works and adds her income to the savings account. (Remember the Two-Income Trap? How much of that income is actually being saved after paying for childcare, a work wardrobe, takeout, and commuting to work?)

The housewife, although she isn't bringing in money to the savings account, has an even bigger role; keeping money in the savings account. She has the time to do things like shopping for groceries on sale, going to the thrift store instead of buying things new, fixing broken things or mending clothes. 

Without the "security" of that extra income, the frugal housewife is also more likely to accept hand-me downs from friends and family, and fight the urge to spend money on frivolous things. 

That last one I can speak from experience. As a single girl with my own money, I would get Chick-fil-A after work almost every day. When my day was longer and harder than normal, I would buy things or treats and say I deserved it because of my hard work. As a wife, I can't really do that. I don't bring in money, so I don't have the naturally entitled feeling about spending it. 

There is a natural feeling of not wanting to spend money that I don't make. I would imagine the feeling of the providing husband is similar, in that he has a greater responsibility to provide, so he doesn't want to risk spending money on things that don't benefit the family.

I will also say that since I'm at home, our grocery bill is at an all-time low since we've been married. I've been making our own bread, and I've learned how to shop strategically. We usually eat three meals a day at home, make coffee at home, and avoid buying snacks and drinks at the gas station or at a fast food restaurant. I have time to look at thrift stores for furniture and decor that we otherwise would have bought new. I handwash the dishes and eventually we hope to use a clothesline, both of these things save money that would have been added to the water and electric bills. 

The next thing Lila says, which I used to say as well, is that mothers who stay home are working mothers. "There is no such thing as a mother who doesn't work."

Now, obviously motherhood is work, hard work at that, but I'm not sure we should say that mothers at home are "working mothers." Motherhood is part of a wife's vocation. It's a WAY higher calling than a day-job. We don't say that fatherhood makes a man a "working father." His fatherhood is part of his vocation. A father is meant to provide for the family and so his day-job is also a part of his vocation. This is the problem; modern women can't accept that their vocational callings are different than a man's. Mothering, as Lila said, takes everything. Why can't that be enough without adding a career on top of it? 

I think we are doing a disservice to housewives, especially those who are mothers, by saying that "yes girl, motherhood is work. Just like your job at the law firm." Why don't we see that when we compare housewifery to nothing more than a job, a dull task that we have to do, or something to check off the to-do list, we are encouraging women to drop it if they don't like it, to pursue whatever things interest them or makes them feel good?

"Oh, you're not good with little kids? It's fine to send them off to daycare while you pursue accounting. You love crunching numbers and it pays better than staying home." 

"I know you hate cleaning the house. It's ok to hire another woman to do it while you start your influencing side-hustle on YouTube. It's way more fun and meaningful than cleaning toilets."

Look- people are afraid to say things like women at home aren't working (I'm pretty sure that just means you aren't out in the workforce, under an employer, or paying taxes. And that's ok.) They are afraid to say that your vocation as a wife and/or mother is enough and an exceptionally higher calling than any worldly job. 

Saying these things will result in people will get their feelings hurt or they'll feel guilty for not wanting to be home. But lying to wives and saying that what they do at home is just as good and worthy as what they do at the office is a harmful lie. It's exactly why modern women feel guilty for not going back to work after having a baby. Nature is telling them to be with their baby, and society has told them that nurturing their child isn't really more important than the paycheck, benefits, and status.

Moving on to the history portion of the episode. Everything Lila said here about the history seemed pretty accurate, although I didn't research it further. Let's just assume what she says is 100% spot in. People lived in societies that were family oriented; family farm, family business, in a family filled town. Lila talks about the Household Economic Project, where each family would have a trade of some sort like a blacksmith or a dressmaker. Families would produce just as much as they consumed. Many would barter and trade goods and services. 

think of the village from Beauty & The Beast

After the Industrial Revolution, things changed. The different trades became less and less necessary as machines were able to do the work much faster. Fast forward to now, and families are consuming way more than producing. We rely on machines so much that most of our jobs are based around the machines we have created. Things like marketing, social media, product design, and data analytics, which were never necessary in poor provincial towns, are now very popular.

Lila says that the modern idea of working can be destructive. I agree that men should be working with their whole bodies, not just their brains in an intellectual job. I would love to go back to a time where families lived and worked together in small towns scattered across the country. However, it is impossible for us to do that. We can't uninvent the technology we have created. We can't pretend that the technology doesn't exist. 

It is true that when a man has to leave for an office job, maybe as a lawyer, with long days, that it is exhausting for him. It does have a negative impact on the family culture. So what is Lila's solution for this? 

She says that "both men and women [should] develop skills that help, both the household and make a difference economically." This is where she lost me. From this point on, Lila jumps from trying to find a solution to the problem of men working long hours away from the home, to trying to prove that women should be allowed to be in the workforce and men should take up household chores. 

I'm not going to sit here and tell you that it is a sin for women to work. But I am going to give you the solution to the modern problem, which Lila doesn't really give. 

The housewife is the solution. We cannot go back in history before the Industrial Revolution like mentioned above. We can only make the best of what we have. It doesn't seem practical or right to say Christian men who want to live traditionally shouldn't be lawyers and doctors with long hours. We need those things in today's society and personally, I'd rather have a doctor or lawyer that shares my Christian worldview.

I believe that men and women have created a better system in response to technological advancements: the man, who has always had the responsibility of providing and protecting the family, (this is not a modern idea. Sorry Lila.) goes to work, wherever that may be (some families do still farm and have family businesses, by the way, it just isn't right to assume that will be the case for everyone, as wonderful as that would be)

Meanwhile, the wife stays home to make sure the family culture is thriving. She makes sure the house is clean and cozy for her family. She makes sure the children are educated (even if she chooses to send them to school, she can teach them other important skills like good hygiene, cooking, gardening, you know, all the basic life skills that are now under Montessori style learning in classrooms) The wife provides a resting place for her exhausted husband who comes home from a long day and makes the atmosphere relaxing and family oriented. She is the heart of the home. She must be present to make sure the rest of the parts of that home are filled with life and love. 

When it comes to adding to the economic side of family life, I wonder why Lila's solution is for women go out and seek work? This only adds to the problem she mentioned before. It would be a much better idea for women to take up hobbies that have the ability to benefit them economically if they choose, but if not, they are fun, healthy for the whole person, and good for children to be involved in; sewing, painting, baking, gardening, owning livestock, writing, and more! There is so much to be explored in the area of homemaking! 

The rest of this podcast was a turn off for me. Lila unashamedly turns the Proverbs 31 woman into a girl-boss. To me, the Proverbs 31 woman sounds way more like the woman I just described above. Know also that this is also the only scripture regarding women that Lila quotes. She then advocates for careers like a software developer or a nurse practitioner and says although it is hard with these jobs, it is still possible to be totally present with your children. It's the "you can have it all!" mentality. And I'm sorry but women cannot have it all. One area or another will be lacking in some way.

It was also the way that Lila talked about housewives that bothered me. "You aren't going to sit on your butt and not do anything while the guy brings home the bacon" were her exact words... 

    Dear Lila Rose, 

homemaking is not sitting down all day, doing nothing. It is an art. A lost skill. It is important. Houses do not become homes on their own. They need cleaning, and decorating. People need to be living in them throughout the day. Otherwise, it becomes nothing more than a house. A place to sleep at night. Where do you think home culture is cultivated? It is not at school or the office. It is in the home.  

We need to encourage women to be homemakers, learning skills that benefit the home life rather than the bank account. Families can have all the money in the world, but money doesn't make a strong family. 

Children need their mother at home. Husbands need a helpmate who is not exhausted and stressed out by her own stress from work. A career isn't evil in itself, but it is better for a woman and her family, if she doesn't have one. The history is there. The scripture and tradition are there. You just have to be open to looking for it. 

I think that's all I have to say on this podcast. This post is already way longer than I wanted it to be. If you made it to the end, thank you for reading! This is a topic that I am so passionate about. I just wish every woman could understand the importance and beauty of the housewife. 

I'd love to hear the thoughts of any readers on this topic! 

Finally, I want to leave you with the words of C.S. Lewis, who has a brilliant and encouraging take on this matter. 

“I think I can understand that feeling about a housewife’s work being like that of Sisyphus (who was the stone rolling gentleman). But it is surely, in reality, the most important work in the world. What do ships, railways, mines, cars, government etc exist for except that people may be fed, warmed, and safe in their own homes? As Dr Johnson said, ‘To be happy at home is the end of all human endeavour’. (1st to be happy, to prepare for being happy in our own real Home hereafter: 2nd, in the meantime, to be happy in our houses.) We wage war in order to have peace, we work in order to have leisure, we produce food in order to eat it. So your job is the one for which all others exist.”

God bless you,

Gina 💕