Embracing the Cross

"You must accept your cross; if you bear it courageously it will carry you to heaven."  

~ St. John Vianney

As a Christian, the idea of embracing one's cross wasn't a foreign one to me. I've heard it many times through the years. It is in the Bible after all. However, knowing what we must do and actually doing it...well those are two very different things. 

I think that embracing one's cross can be more difficult when one lives a comfortable life. I lived most of mine with very little suffering in comparison to some. Of course growing up, there was some hardship, teenage pride, and a little drama, but other than that, I've always been healthy. I lived a pretty clean life without baggage of past sexual sin or a childhood of abuse or trauma. If I felt lonely, I never truly was, as my family was always there for me. 

My biggest struggle in life was probably dealing with my pride. And as you know, dear reader...it is pride that comes before the fall.

Enter in, my cross- infertility. 

For the majority of my life, I've known what I've wanted. That is, to be a wife and a mother. But not just a wife and mother. I wanted to be the picture-perfect "trad-wife," if you will. Not only is she feminine, graceful, and well put together, but she also tends her little homestead with ease, cooks everything from scratch and homeschools her many children. 

Everything would be perfect! And let's be clear-- not perfect as in nothing ever goes wrong, because of course I knew that things wouldn't always be perfect-- but even through the minor mishaps of everyday life, everything would be ok because I would have my family and my "dream job."

This is what I saw for my future when my husband came into my life. I saw it even after he told me he probably wouldn't be able to give me children. Even after we got married and months had passed with no positive pregnancy tests.

Surely, God would give us children despite my husband's Cystic Fibrosis.

Was that perfect and complete trust in our loving God? Was I naive? Or was it just my own pride?

It might have been a little bit of each. Yet, the person I became, month after month without children, leads me to believe it was mostly the latter. 

Infertility is a hidden cross, like many other crosses, and it's hard to explain unless you've experienced it. The normal thing for a woman to do is to bear children, for her to talk about her pregnancy, her experiences, and her child's day to day life. In parishes like my own, we pride ourselves on our traditional family values. Most families have at least four children if they aren't just starting out. 

If a woman doesn't bear children, spend her day with or talk about them, how can she really fit in with her peers? People might think she is fine, happy even, with her childless life. She seems to have more freedom, time, sleep and money for herself and her husband. But underneath she suffers. 

For it is her ability to bear children that makes her a woman. 

Yes, God can do anything. I believe it 100% and if He decided that today we should conceive a child, I wouldn't be surprised.  However, I know that God also uses our sufferings, the crosses in our lives, to make us holy. That is probably the hardest thing to wrap your mind around when you're suffering but it is true nonetheless. 

And it was tough for me to accept what was my reality. Each month got harder. I got more emotional when my cycle started or when people would pray for us and nothing would change. I didn't like going to baby showers, especially when the expectant mother was younger than me. I resented my husband for a time and our marriage struggled as a result of it. 

I was not embracing my cross. I was dragging it. Complaining about it. Hating it. And why? Did God owe me a child? Somewhere along the line, I started to believe He did.

It took lots of grace and lots of learning to remember that I am not owed anything by God. As a Christian, I ought to live my life for Him. If He asks me to adopt a child that has medical or developmental needs or that is a different race than I, what right do I have to complain? If he asks me to patiently wait and be childless for another year and a half, or my whole life even, why can't I accept that?  

Was I not given a wonderful family (on both sides) who love us, children or no? Wouldn't they pour love in to any child we adopted? Was I not given a beautiful goddaughter who is also related to me by blood? Do I really view our church community as nothing more than a place of judgement for people who struggle with infertility? Is a child who is not my own unworthy of a loving home because I didn't carry them in my womb? Is my husband unworthy of love because he can't give me children? 

I've always known the answers to all those questions but I've also been selfish in wanting my life to go how I desired and on a perfect timeline that I created. 

God gives us the cross that will make us better. His plans are better than ours. He knew my idea of having perfection in my life would only be changed if He withheld from me, the gift of fertility. He knew that I probably would have never considered adoption if He hadn't. 

"O Lord, You do not like to make us suffer, but you know it is the only way to prepare us to know You as You know Yourself, to prepare us to become like You. You know well that if You sent me but a shadow of earthly happiness, I should cling to it with all the intense ardor of my heart, and so You refuse me even this shadow...because You wish that my heart be wholly Yours." (Divine Intimacy pg. 364)

It has been truly humbling, living my life as a stay at home wife. Watching those close to me carry on with growing their families and moving on from cooking skills and cleaning schedules to breast feeding and sleep schedules. I had to accept that I don't have the wisdom of motherhood. That my days are sometimes spent frivolously in comparison to those with children.

We are so early in the adoption process that it is very possible we could be deemed unfit for the program. In that case we could try another agency or go through the state. But again, my plans would be ruined changed. It would be hard. Especially because even more things would be affected, like how I would be required to interact with the birth mother or vaccinate my children. 

Although it is still painful, and I would love nothing more than to be normal, I feel like I can finally embrace this cross of infertility, kissing it through my tears instead of kicking it along, uniting my suffering to Christ's and asking for forgiveness for the way I've let my pride get the better of me. 

I realized that we aren't meant for perfection in this life. I might never raise a perfectly healthy child starting from a newborn. We will however, always raise any child we are given with love and baptize them into the Church, which is the most important thing.

Lent is a time when we focus on the crucifixion and the gift that Christ has given us. He was innocent and he bore every unjust suffering on our behalf. We are not so innocent. We have sinned against God and we absolutely deserve what Christ endured for us. The least we can do it take up our own cross as we all will have challenges and sufferings on earth. 

It's not just about deserving it though. The key is realizing that suffering is yet another gift to us and an invitation from God to humble ourselves and grow in virtue. 

Besides, we have no control over what difficulty comes our way. We can however, always control our reactions to it. Accepting suffering in humility, allows us to fully embrace our littleness and not be so serious about the things of this world, which are temporary and are really just a means of getting us to our forever home in heaven. 

I've never understood the saints who rejoiced and took pleasure in suffering, welcoming it like an old friend but now I see why. In their wisdom, they understood that its through suffering that we grow in humility, imitate Christ, uniting ourselves to His passion, and as St. John Vianney was alluding to, only those who share Christ's passion will share His resurrection. 

"What does it matter whether I live a happy life, so long as I live a religious life...I am happy not being happy, because fasting in this life precedes the eternal banquet which awaits me."  (Divine Intimacy pg. 370)

So pick up your cross and have hope, for it is almost Easter! 

Gina💕